Tag Archives: humor

13 Things Never To Do

A while ago I posted about things that I don’t understand. Now I want to mention some things that I do understand. Specifically, things I have learned never to do. Some of these I learned by doing, others I learned by seeing others do them.

  1. Never assume your wife or girlfriend is telling the truth when she says, “I don’t want you to buy me anything.”
  2. Never try to pet a goose…Ouch!
  3. Never eat dinner while watching Bones.
  4. Never hit an empty spray paint can with an axe. (I didn’t do this one)
  5. Never give treats with artificial coloring to a pet who is prone to vomiting on the carpet.
  6. Never eat White Castle hamburgers if you have a long drive ahead of you.
  7. Never shake a ketchup bottle without first checking if the cap is tight.
  8. Never put Pop Tarts in a toaster with a broken timer. (I think rocket fuel is the main ingredient).
  9. Never drink from a garden hose without letting it run first…yuck!
  10. Never put up a ladder and climb to the roof without first checking for a bees’ nest. Talk about a double whammy.
  11. Never use a skim board if you are overweight and over 40.
  12. Never jump into a pool at night without first checking the depth.
  13. And finally, never talk politics unless you are “preaching to the choir.”

Of course, there are plenty of other things but I have to stop somewhere. Leave a reply if you would like to add to the list.

Optimism is Based on Pessimism

I don’t want the title of this post to make you think that I am negative or pessimistic. I am actually a very positive person but I am also logical and realistic at times. This came up the other day at work. A job was coming up that I knew was going to suck. I did not know this because of a negative attitude. I knew this from experience. I joked to my boss that I was going to be sick that day. She told me that if I thought bad things than that is what was going to happen.

I understand the power of positive thinking. I also understand the theory that the “universe” gives you what you think about. I think it works, but the universe has nothing to do with it. It is your thoughts that guide your actions and your actions get results.

But you can’t just think positive or be optimistic about everything. As I told my boss, if I imagine what could go wrong, I won’t be disappointed when it happens, and the possibility that things will go better than imagined are much greater.

It occurred to me then that all optimism is grounded in pessimism. Think about it. If a salesperson says to himself, “I am going to make a sale today,” that’s great, but why not two sales, or five, or ten? Sounds pessimistic to me.

Lets go higher. What if someone thinks “I am going to be President of The United States?” Is that the best you can do? Is the CEO of Apple already taken?

The point is, to be truly optimistic about something you also have to be realistic. You can’t just say, “the Cubs are going to win the World Series next year.” That’s just being stupid.

Take me for example, I am very optimistic that at least five people will read this post and at least two people will leave a comment, think about leaving a comment, or think about what they are having for dinner tonight. Let me know because my fridge is empty.

Things I Don’t Understand

This list is by no means complete but here are a few things I don’t understand.

I don’t understand…

  • Why some women wear clothes designed to show off their boobs and then complain when men look at them.
  • Why people with 60 years of driving experience can’t drive.
  • How someone can buy five drinks at a bar for eight  dollars apiece and then complain that gas is four dollars a gallon.
  • Why someone with one type of hair needs nine different shampoos (I’m not referring to anyone in particular that may or may not live with me).
  • Why mountain bikes are sold in Florida.
  • How there can be 32,000,000 laws and regulations, and only 10 commandments.
  • People who a) drive with their dogs on their laps, b) bring their dogs to the supermarket, and c) push their dogs around in baby strollers.
  • Why anybody gives a crap about the Kardashians.
  • Quantum Mechanics (at least the Quantum part…and the Mechanics part).
  • Rosie O’Donnell

The full list is a work in progress and is actually much longer than the “Things I Understand” list. If anyone has any answers or wish to add to the list, please leave a reply.